Raw Emotions about Being a Missionary

Hello everyone! I cannot believe I am typing this in our fifth country, Jordan, and in our ninth month out of eleven. Being on the Race has opened so much for me. I love to write these blogs and update all of you because the Lord is moving in so many great ways. I love to share the stories of the Kingdom being built across the world and to encourage others of what God is doing. Along with writing these stories, I also want to be honest and raw. There have been a couple blogs where I have shared where I am at and some areas I have been struggling in. From homesickness to spiritual warfare, I have tried to be as open and as honest with you all. Life overseas as a missionary has been amazing and the Lord has grown my heart even more to life outside of the States, but it is not always rainbows and sunshines (which of course it is not, just the reality of life). But I want to share more on how tough and tiring and stretching and mindfilling and so many others things it is to be a missionary.

To begin with, I want to share that I have been feeling this weight for a quite some time now, probably since the start of training camp. This weight of all the lost souls that do not know the Lord has been heavy on my heart. And although I know this is not true, but I just felt like it was all on me to share the Gospel to everyone who did not know it and to see it through that they would accept it. Now, I know that I am not the only one who is on fire for the Lord and willing to go out and share the Good News, but it just has been a weight that I have been feeling. Especially after Romania, someone shared that we are fighting for lost souls. It just felt heavier for me. It is not like we are fighting for land or for any little thing, but we are fighting for the eternity of peoples souls. We are fighting for people and if their souls spend eternity in hell or eternity in heaven. Yup…. pretty hard thing for me to just wrap my head around. It almost started to feel like a burden.

So fast forward a couple months, still feeling this weight, and we are in our debrief in Turkey. During this time, we spent time as a squad processing and reflecting on how our time went in the country we just spent in and spend time in community and resting. The first night, our SQL Kara, shares Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” She shared how we may be feeling physically tired and how we have been running the Race for the past 8 months, so we are going to feel tired. But, that we can take that to the Lord and rest in Him because He lightens our load. And that just hit me because for the past 8 months I have just been carrying this weight, and in that moment it hit me that I was spiritually tired.

Yes, I have been feeling physically tired, but I was feeling tired spiritually. I was tired of waking up and going out to see countries there were lost. I was tired of hearing the call to prayer and knowing that there are millions of people who are praying five times a day to a god that does not hear them or see them. My heart aches for the world and for the lost who do not have a relationship with Jesus. My heart aches for those who have no hope and just walk aimlessly throughout their lifetime. This weight just kept getting bigger and bigger, and it was making me feel tired.

With the belief that I had to be the one to bring others into salvation, I also wanted to be the one to see people come to Christ. So, it was hard to leave each place and only see a seed get planted. I wanted to be the one to see the seed being planted, the plant growing and then flourishing and reaching its fullness. I wanted to see through what God was doing in people’s lives. But, often times I would only get to see snipets because our time would run out and we would have to leave.

But the Lord in that moment reminded me, especially after being in Turkey, that I am not the only one who can bring people into salvation or that once we leave a place that He will continue to work. In 1 Corinthians 3:5-9 it reads, “After all, who is Apollos? Who is Paul? We are only God’s servants through whom you believed the Good News. Each of us did the work the Lord gave us. I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God’s workers. And you are God’s field. You are God’s building.”

In verse 6, we see that Paul planted the seed, but then Apollos watered it, but ultimately the Lord made the seed grow. In Enduring Word, a commentary explained that when a farmer plants a seed and waters it, the farmer is not the one who really makes it grow. The mirace of life does that and all that the farmer does is provide the right environment for growth and trust in the miracle of life. We do the same thing in ministering Jesus to other people. Often times people get frustrated because they want to water when God has called them to plant or want to plant when God has called them to water. On the other end, people are frustrated because they want to make the increase happen, when only God can do that. Real fruitfullness in ministry happens when we are peacefully content with what God has called us to do.

So, trusting in the Lord that that plant will grow is something that I am learning. The seeds have been laid, the foundation has been poured out, and we have to trust that the Lord will bring salvation and will open up the hearts of those who we meet. Although it is a true reality of being a missionary, you will experienced fatigue. You will experience moments of doubt whether people are accepting what we tell them. I want to remain honest and raw with life as a missionary. And in this season, I am learning in my trust, especially with the lives that we have meet and trusting that God and the Holy Spirit will allow for peoples hearts to open and accept Him. Yes, I still get frustrated and tired time from time, but the Lord has taken that weight. There is still a sense of urgency on my heart, but I am pacefully content in how and where God is calling me to do.

Please be in prayer as we are finishing up our time in the Middle East. Pray that I will experience true rest, as I have been struggling with resting physically, mentally, and spiritually. Pray for the people I have met and that God continues to reveal Himself and that they experience the freedom that Jesus offers. I am excited for how God is going to continue to work!

If you would like to continue to support a missonary and offset the cost of ilving necessities, I would be more than grateful! Living on the field has been intersting, especially changing currencies each other month. Jordan is the most expensive country we will be living in and I will continue to need some of the living necessities. Such as shampoo, soaps, deodorant and any extra needs that would come up. The amount I needed to fundraise at the beginning does not go towards any personal needs, but instead for flights, lodging, transportation, etc. But any personal needs would have to be used from my own finances. Since Jordan is more expensive, and living necessities continue to pop up here and there, I wanted to reach out to all of you and ask if you would like to financially support me. If you do feel led to give, it would not be through my giving donation link, but instead to my personal account. My Venmo is Joana-Quintana or I do have Zelle through my phone number, 720-483-8147. Thank you so much for your continued support and your love!

Blessings,

Joana Quintana